Feeling damn horrible now.
Replaced, forgotten. That's all you're letting me feel now. Disappointed sad. You idiot asshole jerk bastard bitch stupid. I HATE YOU.

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After what happened yesterday afternoon, I thought to myself, is this all worth it. Just me trying so hard to pull this all back together to how it should be and once was. Is this worth my effort and time?

Today, woke up with that urge to see you to talk to you.

Then I thought to myself, after all the shit we've been through, after being treated like your rag doll(or in my opinion),

At the end of the day, the last person on my mind, is still you. You've been in my mind all the time. And I still wonder why. After all these time, after being treated like this, I'm still missing you. Am I being a fool or is this telling me something?

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Now that I'm so filled with emotions, I think it's the best time to blog.

YMCA camp challenge dec 11 has been an awesome experience. Not just the camp itself but the 6month journey we've took to plan for it.

Camp itself was crazy. Being secretary for a camp like this was a total new thing for me. Admin matters, the nitty gritty stuff like t shirt sizes medication etc were so impt. Especially when this is a camp for beneficiaries.. All the medication and drugs had to be strictly spelled right with no mistakes etc etc. Safety concerns were strict ttm like no wearing of slippers, a small puddle of water is a giant problem cos they may slip, drizzle is a no no to walk in etc . I know my examples dont really show much but during a camp like this, it was really anal strict. 2-3 hours of sleep ok average after sorting out things, debriefing, sentry duty etc. But I guess I'll just say briefing what were the highlights of the camp.

Running around to every group and ask for their group strength then updating the board with all the attendance. Just to let you know we have 214 ppl at camp. With 80 beneficiaries and 80 volunteers. Ppl go missing easily but as long as 1 person goes missing, it's a big problem. Sorting out admin stuff with yk was crazy like when ppl last min pull out from camp, new pairings new groupings etc. Crazy.

Sentry duty with Matt was fun. Talking nonsense and practicing script for camp fire. Doing stupid thing while walking around jps. Though he may not rmb much of it, but it was fun for me.

Camp fire day was like the most memorable in a bad way. Everything that could go wrong went wrong. Murphy's law.
Alr stress about camp fire after editing script thru webcams, meeting up to discuss, practising it whenever we can.. Cos it's the first time emceeing such events for such a big crowd with benes was a great challenge for us. To make things worse, it rained. So we had no choice but to do indoors and male a fake fire with our light sticks etc. Then the worse was when the power cut. Trying to handle a 200 plus crowd with beneficiaries and shouting without a mic with them cheering super loudly. Matt n I were really stress. Worse is, no one knew what our programme was, so when things went wrong, no one could help us. So everything was madness. Stressing out the whole way, thinking on your feet, trying to handle a crisis while pretending that everything is under control. To
Cut the story short, we were both damn emotional last nite. The campfire which we expected a lot from, not just us, the 200 other ppl who were looking forward to it, the finale to a great camp, wasn't as awesome as we reversed. Everything that could go wrong went wrong.

But I'm just glad I didn't have to go thru these all alone. Yk is there with me for admin, and Matt is there with me for campfire. Like what fish wrote for me on my note, the only thing constant in life is change. There will always be changes. We just have to face them calmly and adapt to them.

This camp has been both physically and mentally draining. But I never regret at all, cos 6months plus the last 3 days have been a really awesome journey. I'll seriously miss everyone!>< especially the people who have helped me a lot during camp. Yk who's going overseas for exchange for 6months, Matt who's still at NS, everyone else cos there won't probably be a chance we all get tgt like that.

Now I'm just emo nemo:/ sleepy too. Nights! Hope that I'll be able to keep in touch with everyone! I miss our committee already!

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Wow. How to start this post? I'm so confused myself. Ok let's start with today. Had amp outing to jurong safra today. Fun I guess. I see everyone having fun, people telling me it was enjoyable. Is enough for me to be contented cos its been so long I planned something ppl actually appreciate and had fun in. It breaks my heart when my outings fail. Yet I know it's my fault bit I dont know how to make it better. I just want to have fun thats all. Won't ask for anything else.

Sigh.One of the last few amp outings this year alr. And to think of it. It's been 2 years since our AMPOWERED days. Gosh I feel like crying now. So many memories fills my head when the word AMPOWERED pops up. The project which helped me make many new wonderful friendships. Yet the same project which caused me to lose so many great friendships I've never ever want to lose. And those are my regrets.

To think of it. Those regrets make me cry. Cos I'd do anything to turn back in time to prevent it. I don't know what exactly I did to lose them. But its all too late now. Sigh.

I know ive changed. To the better or to the worse? I don't know. But all I know I have this longing to get back all that I had last time. I know I made new friends, conquered new things, forged new memories. But that doesn't mean I wanna leave my old memories, forget my old friends and forsake everything else. I want to make new friends but also keep the old. Cos they're all so precious to me, all my friends. I don't want to lose anyone at all.

And to speak the truth, when I look at you, I still feel that inside of me, you are still my close friend. You haven't left me. The bond we have is just hidden, but not lost. And I know as long as we try, we can get back what we have neglected. I don't want to lose you.

And now I'm just at a loss. I don't know what to do so you'll be my friend again. I don't want to lose it all. And you'll probably say It's all too late and it's ok. But to let you know, it's not ok for me. And frankly speaking, I just feel sad. Really sad that you don't think I'm your close friend anymore. That friend you can tell anything in this world to. I know you've started to build your walls. And I no longer can access your inner thoughts. But thats ok. Cos I have a feeling we'll conquer all these insecurities and doubts soon. We just need faith.

In the meantime, I just need to reflect. On what I've done to cause such a thing to happen):

AIYAHHHHHH I REALLY DONT KNOW):
The feel is different. But it'll come back right right. I know it will): just have faith.

I'm sick:| blk nose and sore throat.
My air con leaking, fan not working and I'm feeling like shit.

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Your sudden disappearance in my life is driving me nuts. I miss you like shit now. Seeing you still can lead your life so normally without me hurts even more. Am I transparent to you now? Are we just going to destroy what we've shared so far? Im so not ready to let go...
What did I do wrong? I still don't know. All I want is things to be how it has always been. People fight, people patch up and people build stronger relationships tgt. But since the day we've fought you've decided to cast me aside and leave things hanging. Living like I'm in hell so insecure of what will happen. Is this happening cos of exams or is it because you are still mad at me? I really don't know:/

But no matter what the reason is... It's too early to let it all go. For those memories to burn to ashes. For our laughter to turn to tears.

I'm trying real hard to live properly for this period. Until the day you would reply my words...
Don't know what you want, don't know what we will become... Hoping praying for the best. For it's not the time to let it all go.

I miss you like crazy but I wonder if you still care about my existence. If I die, would you care.. Or you'll just play along and act as if nothing in the world has changed.

I'll see this as a challenge and not a problem. If we survive this... Or if I can even survive this...

Sigh now I wish time would speed up and pass in a swift.

Come back soon. I beg.

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I wish you didn't mean what you said. I wish you knew why I was sad and angry. I wish you'd apologize. I wish you'd talk to me now. I wish this would all go back to normal.

I don't like this:/ miscommunication misunderstandings

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